Ok, so this isn’t a blog about the normal stuff I post about. Instead, I’m going to open up about something I don’t normally talk about in public: Religion.

Some background on me: I grew up BaptiMethoChurchofChristolic, which is to say that I was dragged around to several different Christian churches infrequently as I grew up, mostly because my parents couldn’t agree on one and my mother’s many illnesses made consistent attendance an issue. My step-dad grew up Catholic for the most part, step-mom is still a devout Catholic who attends mass at least once or twice a week, and bio-mom and -dad couldn’t commit to any one church but claimed to follow Protestant Christianity.

I went through a phase during junior high and part of high school where I wanted to get involved with a church, and attended a Church of Christ with my step-dad’s parents. I did that for a while, wanted to get more involved, but was discouraged by my parents (mom & step-dad) because they thought me wanting to go to Bible study outside of “Church Time” was just me trying to get out of the house to socialize. So, even visits to church died down after that. My bio-dad & step-mom, on the other hand, just didn’t really talk about it. When I visited, sometimes we went to church, but I didn’t receive any guidance from them one way or another.

The bottom line is, I never had complete immersion in any one religion growing up. Due to many health complications with my mother and other hardships I dealt with, I started losing my faith. Due to seeing the way supposed “Christians” acted & turned their backs on the teachings they supposedly flaunted to non-believers through their words and actions, I decided that I didn’t want to be associated with an organization of people who propagated hatred or distrust toward those who were different.

I severed myself from the Christian religion sometime around 2000. I still hold that some of the core beliefs of the Judeo-Christian faiths can provide good moral guidance to people.

I have claimed Agnosticism since then. My basic tenet of beliefs have revolved around something to this extent: “I don’t know what to believe[concerning the existence of god(s)] because I don’t believe the human mind has the ability to encompass the true meaning of deity and the construct of religion is a human creation formed for the purposes of population control and keeping certain people in power.”

I have always maintained a belief that there is a possibility for the Divine to exist, to one extent or another.

I have always maintained a belief in spiritual forces that may be out there.

Since becoming an “adult” (one who can legally live on my own, that is), I have researched and followed studies into many religious and spiritual practices. I’ve looked into various belief systems, such as Islam, the Church of Latter Day Saints, Wicca, Taoism, Buddhism and Atheism.

Something I’ve found amongst all of these religions are a few core moral guidelines that I use to guide me: Be nice to others. Love people even when you don’t understand them. Try to do the right thing, even when you aren’t being observed to do it, because it’s the right thing to do. Don’t steal or kill anyone (successful on that, so far, though I did cry a little bit when I killed a spider a few months ago). Be respectful, especially to your elders and those with more experience. Remember that there are two sides to every door: listen to both sides of the story before making a judgement. Know that it’s not your place to judge others’ actions. Only put good things out into the universe, for what you put out comes back to you. I’ve added for myself: Be respectful of other people’s beliefs, even if you don’t agree with or understand them.

This usually helps me to keep myself on the moral straight-and-narrow. I enjoy it.

But in the last few months – actually, it’s probably been a few years, I just didn’t acknowledge it – I’ve been having a crisis of faith. I’ve been realizing more and more that I don’t think I believe in the existence of a Deity. I understand the purpose of the construct, but I am having a difficult time believing in the actual existence of it. And that makes me sad.

During a conversation with a friend earlier this evening, I expressed these sentiments:

“And now I’m wondering if I’ve been hanging onto Agnosticism because it’s easier than letting go of a myth of an all-powerful benevolent being that’s watching out for us and wants to take care of us.”

“I’m not necessarily angry at religion, I just believe that in this day & age people have the resources and capability to educate themselves on the right way to live without being need to be reined in by fear of eternal retribution.”

“Afterlife? If there’s no god, is there no Heaven? What happens after we die? Does that mean I’ll never see my mom again? That thought makes me cry. And I don’t want to give up the thought that one day I could see & talk to her again.  I’ve seen myself edging toward this for a few years now & I’ve been avoiding it, but I don’t feel like I can for any longer denying my thoughts/feelings doesn’t make them go away, it just suppresses it and makes it harder for me to deal with later, because I keep putting it off.”

“Letting go of comforting myth is very difficult for me”

So, I guess the difficult question for me really is, “Am I ready to give up a belief that allows me to deny some of the responsibility of my actions (i.e. God will take care of me) and portrays an all-knowing/loving/thinking/whatever deity and the possibility of an afterlife in which I can be reunited with my loved ones in some other life/realm?” I mean, if I believe in it and it’s not real, I guess I’ll find out one way or another. And if it is real, I’ll either go there or I’m damned, depending on me beliefs.

I have a hard time wanting to believe something as a “just in case” measure, though (other than Romero’s Wager – survival and self-defense skills could come in handy anytime, regardless of zombies).

Any thoughts on this? I’d like some feedback that does not include fire & brimstone or condemnation either way. Anyone else gone through or going through something like this?